Of Crutches and Gimps

I hate umbrellas. If there is anything that the world needs less of, it is the umbrella. The concept behind such a device is deceivingly simple, as is the purpose behind it's invention, but I'm seriously having doubts about the frequency of its use in today's soft and supple society. Granted, there is the odd time where the use of one is actually necessary. I'm not here to argue that it is entirely useless. Such an argument would be ridiculous. However, 90% of the time, the use of said umbrellas are complete waste of energy.  

What's this? It's dark and cloudy outside and you don't want to accidentally get caught in a monsoon on that 5-second trott between your car and the subway station entrance? Umbrella. Misty rain keeping you from completing that long, arguous 1-minute walk from the parking lot into your office? Umbrella. That hottie on the news is calling for a 40% chance of scattered showers? Umbrella. Half of you dimwits can barely operate the damn things. At the end of a rainy day, what do I see filling the garbage cans of downtown Toronto? Discarded and broken umbrellas; most of which undoubtedly committed suicide after being so horrendously abused by their previous owners.  

It seems as though the umbrella has become something of a security device; a crutch to the would-be gimps of society, if you will. Nobody ever thinks to NOT use an umbrella when the possibility of rain looms. That would just be outrageous! Like NOT using a blackberry to check your emails every 2 minutes. Or NOT pulling around those hapless little backpacks with wheels on your way to work because you are too fat/stupid/lazy to carry it. No, once the possibility of rain looms, the umbrella is an absolute must.  

I can already hear you screaming at your computer screens: "I don't want to get wet!". Really, now? Is that a valid argument? How many times have you packed away your umbrella only to never use it? And even if you do get caught in the rain without an umbrella, what happens? You get wet. Big whoopty freakin' deal. How many of you party animals jump into pools with your clothes on? You're wet then, but I don't see you scrambling for an umbrella. Foam party? Where are the umbrellas?  

The problem, which is undoubtedly the root of most people's problems in life, is fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of the unexpected, fear of change. Why? Because those things are uncomfortable. Look outside your window. Seriously, I'll wait........................................What did you see out there? You probably didn't see anything outside of the normal did you? Well, I'll tell you what I see when I look outside of my window: I see people who are unsure of themselves. I see a world dominated by drama and chaos. A world full of people who love to watch crappy reality TV dramas so that they can escape from the inconveivably idiotic drama in their own lives.  

Most people live their entire lives in fear. Fear of disappointing their parents, their spouse, their God(s), even. Wherever you look, you're taught to be fearful, as if fear equated to respect. No wonder we're in this sh*t storm of a society. Most guys walking around on the street are toting around shopping bags for their girlfriends (or..God help me...fiances...) for fear of losing touch with the poon-tang. Then what happens? Said girlfriend gets bored and walk off with some mullet-haired sporting douche bag with his collars turned up to his ears. Now what? On the other side of the coin, some girls out there are so afraid to be hurt by men that they come off as plain old bitches. If you're a woman and you're reading this, and you're wondering why you spent the last four Saturdays alone, then that's probably why: you're a bitch. Well, I guess that's what Tommy, your 14" purple dildo is for, huh?  

The unfortunate thing is that most people are too wound up in their own confounded stupidity to realize the problem. If you're reading this, however, then you have no excuse, because I'm practically spoon feeding it to you. You want to improve your life? Here's the first step: stop being a scared, whimpering jackass. But you can't go rushing into all of this crazy stuff all at once, now can you? I mean, Jesus Christ, you can barely handle getting wet. So first thing's first, ditch that goddamn umbrella and learn to love the rain. Get used to change. Start feenin' for chaos. Learn to master your fear, learn to master your self, and you'd be surprised to see how simple life becomes. That and umbrellas look gay.  


-Jack the Stripper