Gym Rats

Hi!  My name is Jack.....and I'm.....*sigh*....I'm a....rageaholic.

Hi Jack!

It's been about 415 days since my last emotional outburst....well....it had been, until...*sigh*....until yesterday....

*dramatic pause*

...you see, yesterday was deadlift day.  As many of you know, I've been going to the gym a lot.  It's been quite useful in my therapy and I've made fantastic gains both physically and emotionally through my efforts there.  Lately, however....*deep breath*....well lately there's been a surge of douchebags coming into my gym.  DOUCHEBAGS!.....in my gym!!

*pauses and takes deep breath*

Ok...ok....to be fair there have always been a number of people with interesting...."traits"...if you will.  I mean, it is a commercial gym afterall.....quirky individuals have to be expected, right?

Take for example the one I call "Shemale Sally".  God bless her, she works her ass off in that gym.  In fact, she could probably outlift most men....and she's fit as hell too!  Those abs, arms, massive legs from all of those smith machine squats....and that butch-ass haircut!  Seriously....it's right out of the Marine handbook, complete with shaved sideburns and a flat top fit enough to land small aircraft.  The only problem with her is that she's got so much goddamn testosterone running through her that her clit's grown larger than most men's penises.....

Then there's the one I call "Trapped in anorexia", who typically walks in with his 10L jug of distilled water, Muscle Mag magazine, and ipod strapped to his 3" arms.  His motivation and drive are inspiring, as he does countless sets of flat, incline and decline bench presses hoping to fill in the curiously loose chest and arm areas of his extra-small, navy blue Under Armor compression shirt and add some weight to his already massive 120lb frame.  But his foibles are forgivable as he's only been at this gym, doing those exercises, for the past 5 years.  

There's also my personal favorite: "Old man nude".  Typically of European decent, and approximately in his early to mid 60's, this character typically spends most of his time at the gym walking around nude in the men's change room, flaunting his salt and pepper chest, back, leg and neck hairs.  Sometimes, if I'm lucky, I'll walk in to find him blow drying his pubic hairs with one leg elevated on a bench.  

But as I've said, these people are not the problem.  In fact, I've grown quite fond of these characters.  It's the new gaggle of dick weeds that have recently found their way into my gym.....my sanctuary.....that are causing me such distress.  

It all started with the appearance of what I've come to call the "Jamaican sex machine and friends" ensemble.  This group consists of one person, who through natural endowment, inherited an impressive phsyique, and is followed around by 3 or 4 of his pot-bellied countrymen.  God only knows how they found my gym, but in they came one day, discussing everyday irritants and how many women they've f*cked at the top of their lungs...all the while accentuating their already thick accents.  This, of course, is done before, during, between and after sets of alternating dumbell curls in front of the mirror, and typically heightened once a female enters the general area.  But these guys were just the tip of the iceberg....

It wasn't long until the "Cockbiter" and the "Cockbitee" showed up....two young males...no older than 21 years....who may not be gay (openly anyway) but sure as hell act like they are, and lift like a pair of anemic girl guides.  When they walked in with, what could only be described as a mullet with "extra hair at the top", their affliction t-shirts, and shaven legs crammed into purple running shoes...I was so overwhelmed with shock that I almost vomitted all over the floor.  

But yesterday....oh Jesus...yesterday was the real kicker.  I wasn't able to devise a name for these jackasses yet, as this was my first, and probably only viewing of these f*cktards, but it was like nothing I've ever seen.  At first, they appeared to be another, yet older, version of Cockbiter and Cockbitee....moving from one useless exercises to the next....until one of them took out the camera and started taking pictures.  

*hands start shaking*

Who the F*CKING hell takes pictures while working out......

*deep breath*

I'd understand if they were strong.  Who wouldn't want evidence of a ground breaking, new personal deadlifting best of 500lbs, or a video of themselves snatching twice their bodyweight so that they can examine their form and technique....but these two idiots were taking pictures of each other doing leg curls....MOTHERF*CKING LEG CURLS............

*deep breath*

If that wasn't bad enough, they eventually moved over to my area...where I was deadlifting...so that they could take assanine pictures of themselves grinning while doing incomplete quarter squats of a hefty 135lbs in the smith machine.  They were in my area.....and inevitably.....invaded my space.  

*tears up*

One of those idiots, while taking countless pictures of what I theorize to be his homosexual partner in a flexed squat position, blocked my path making it impossible to continue my workout.  So there I stood, glaring at the back of his skull for 5 agonizing minutes.  I felt my control melt away.....I felt my blood curtling....and I felt the surge of anger as my vision blurred and the sound of my heart beat drowned out all other noise in the gym.  When the mental defective idiot finally realized that he had obstructed my path, he turned around....

*sob...sniffle*

...I saw his lips moving in a fashion that seemed to have indicated that he was saying "Oh....sorr..." but before he could finish, my right hand had already grasped his camera, and my left his throat, and in a matter of seconds I found myself......*sob*.....I found myself spinning him around and shoving the camera so far up his ass that I managed to capture a picture of his shocked friend through the inside of his mouth...*sob*.....my God the blood...and the screaming!

*deep breath...stutter....deep breath*

Needless to say, I'm no longer allowed in that gym.  After maiming complete strangers, I can't say I blame them for kicking me out.  The destruction I've caused in those men's lives is inexcusable...I mean...how are they supposed to make love now?  I stretched that fella's asshole so much that it would probably be like dropping a toothpick down an elevator shaft....*sob* *sob*

*pauses*

...Oh wait...I know what to call them now..."Fag-a-razzi"!!

-Jack the Stripper